Nearly a year and thousands of diapers later...

So...hello....long time no post.

Life gets weird sometimes and you lose focus but the beautiful thing about it is that quite often you get chances to make the changes necessary to get back on track.

Not sure what to write about but I know I want to start posting here at least once a month so ill dust some of the rust off with some freewriting.

Warning: this might get long.

There's been a bit of a derailment over the last few months for me. But I think the track is nearly clear now and after the dust has cleared the horizon is coming into focus. In order to get a better look into your future you really have to actively focus on the here and now. Its the behaviors, actions and decisions we make daily that ultimatly model our future and more importantly our children's future.

Currently I'm lucky in that aspect.

My daughter is amazing.

Or maybe shes not. Maybe I'm biased.Whatever.

Either way watching this little being coming to life... growing...learning and mimicking. Its an amazing experience.

You can't purchase an experience like this (unless of course you count the endless diapers, wipes, food, clothes, bigger clothes, shoes, bigger shoes, car seat, bigger car seat. OMG STOP GROWING!!) its unreal.

Sometimes I just stare at her as she absorbs the world into her dark blue eyes.
I wish I knew what she was thinking. At times her attention span is so impressive I think that I must have A.D.D for wanting to do something else besides watch Monsters Inc. And that's a damn good movie btw. (I love door storage room part of the ride at D.C.A.)

any whooo. See? Side tracked so easy.

My wife and I had so many plans for her before she came into being - no pink, no princess, no meat, no stealling cars - but as she comes into her own we see these rules get blurry and lose definition. She doesn't like meat much but she stole her first car a few months ago.

My own hang-ups, like not supporting mass media distributors such as Disney, went out the window as soon as she seen Micky Mouse Clubhouse (she loves Minnie).Also with a name like Jimmye we have resorted to pink dresses and earings to avoid the otherwise unavoidable "What a cute lil boy!" We never get mad though. we knew what we were getting into by naming her Jimmye and we stick by it because it really fits her. She IS Jimmye Lenore. She's our unique little bull dragon. She is her own person. All we can do is lead by example.

Often now I think of a quote my wife discovered "strive to be like them but don't make them be like you". It makes so much sense.

I've found myself stressed in my own head being bitter and clinical and I'll look over at her and she will be happy as can be, being sneaky in her little fort made of couch cushions. She's not over thinking it. Not scrutinizing the fabric quality. Not worried about what others think. She's just having fun. That is all that matters in that moment of her little world. Its admirable.

Don't you wish there was a switch you could just shut off and the world would come back into focus again, bright and full and new? But we've all seen too much. Weve been hurt. We've learned caution. And it can't be unlearned.

So I stare at her wondering what shes seeing? Are colors brighter? Are shapes emerging more prominently? When she busts into my art room and there's my whole busy mess waiting for her there's always something new for her to see whereas most people, myself includes just look over everything at a glance.

Its almost as though weve all resigned ourselves as having seen it all. Its sad really.

I've found that she likes being active with her mother but with me she's would rather sit next to me or on top of me and focus on her shows or her books or her surroundings. Even when I try to play with her she kinda just wants to be near me but not be entertained by me. We just hang out. I enjoy it immensly but I'm sure I'm supposed to do more. I'll work on that.

"I want a daughter while I'm still young so I can show her some beauty before the damage is done" - amazing song Mr. Little Jeans - The Suburbs (Arcade Fire cover)

This lyric always stood out to me because that's all I really want out of life with her. I want to show her the good of the world. Beauty in animals, nature, architecture, color and even humans. If she experiences enough good she'll know that this life is worth suffering through all the bad that can surround us at times. For every traumatic raging storm there are far more beautiful sunsets to be seen.

I warned you this was going to run long...

All this talk of Jimjam makes me want to go wake her up and watch Octonauts. Which is ALSO a damn good piece of entertainment might I add. OK so theres this mobile sealab shaped like a giant octopus, yeah? With a crew of
rediculously cute little animals that run it, yeah? Theres a polar bear named Captain Barnacles and a Pirate cat with one eye name Kwazi....

Alright alright....I tell you about all that later.

Thanks for reading. Have a great...hmm...I dont know if its morning, noon or night for you so.... have a great sandwich.

Jimmye Lenore and the Ugly Dolls

My Jimmye Lenore experiencing the world...

"You only have 2 teeth, you should brush them.""

"Meh, NEXT."

What?

What is going on up there?

This isn't fair. Get me a mirror or something.

WTF?

A hitchhiker?

More Hitchhikers?

Um...

Ok..SRSLY?? C"MON!

Before my beautiful baby Jimjam showed up I would always find myself messing with all the ugly doll plushies at Toys R Us while I waited for Jamie to shop thinking "when my kid gets here I'm going to get her all of these!" They remind me of toys I would make if I were a toy manufacturer.

I love the non-conventional nature of them. Being unique is very important to me and I want to instill in my Jimjam that its more than ok to be different. You don't have to fall in line and wear the same thing everyone else is wearing or talk the way everyone else is talking and so on. Thats why I love their philosophy:

" In the Uglydoll universe, "ugly" means unique and different, and celebrating who you are inside and out is the new beautiful."

Unfortunatley I havent got a chance to purchase any of these little guys yet because I found out really quick that babies cost money and unless I want to use the ugly dolls as Diapers and Wipes I had better wait until the financial situation stabilizes.

But anyways Check them out. They're a refreshingly awesome change of pace from the normal happy cutesy baby kid stuff you see EVERYWHERE. http://www.uglydolls.com

Nursery Rhymes Ridiculousness Vol.1

 My wife Jamez has been singing to Baby JimJam every night. My memory is pretty atrocious so when I hear her singing the correct words to this little tune years after the last time she had to have heard it I am a little impressed. But today I started to actually HEAR the song:

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's  gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's  gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's  gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's  gonna buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town"

Ok, so this is the most ridiculous song for a baby. If I were to put it into perspective for the era this song came to be I still come up with the same conclusion. 

Allow me to break it down for you all:

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird."

So If I understand this correctly, this mother is attempting to quiet her child down with promises of tangible items...Well, that is already a bad idea, but to rationalize that by capturing a wild song bird known best for the habit of mimicking other creatures is a good idea is absurd considering its most likely to attempt mimicry of the Wailing baby...Now you have TWO loud problems.

"And if that mockingbird won't sing..."

Ok well if the bird wont sing then the previously stated problem solved, right? KEEP THAT BIRD.

"Mama's  gonna buy you a diamond ring"

 But no, this mama wants to shell out the big bucks and buy her baby a ring with a stone that is strong enough and sharp enough to cut through marble, granite, concrete, asphalt, masonry, and gems. (Diamond is ancient Greek for unbreakable BTW) Supermama is going to put this cutting implement on the end a flailing baby arm with a mind of its own. yes...that baby is definitely blind.

"And if that diamond ring turns brass..."

Now I'm not some big city Scientist and I don't profess to know much about chemical elements and compounds and such but I'm pretty sure Diamonds don't turn into Brass.

"Mama's  gonna buy you a looking glass"

It seems mama is running low on dough after that last unnecessary expenditure. How is a Looking glass the equivalent to a diamond ring? What are you trying to teach this kid? "Well your Diamond magically turned into a bastard metal so here's a Mirror that - since this is some time in the 1800's - is 300 hundred pounds and filled with lead and raw silver.

"And if that looking glass gets broke..."

Now you have expensive danger.

So your baby ended up breaking that looking glass that you gave her? Is she alright? do you regret giving an infant an object that when broken turns into HUNDREDS OF KNIVES! yep. So how are you planning to make it up to her this time? 

"Mama's  gonna buy you a billy goat"

I see. Is that so?....Did Child protective services exist in the 1800's? this mother is obviously Mentally disabled.

"And if that billy goat won't pull..."

"Im not a good Babysitter"

What would the goat not pull exactly? Wait,...are you planning on having that goat pull your baby around?!?!? C'mon.. seriously? I KNOW they had strollers in the 19th century. This song seems to be getting more and more dangerous for the child as it goes along? Is Mama getting frustrated or something? Whats next?

"Mama's  gonna buy you a cart and bull"

                      

NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! YOU WILL NOT BUY YOUR BABY A 2000 POUND ANIMAL WITH GIANT HORNS ON IT'S HEAD!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I'll take care of yo Baby!

"And if that cart and bull fall down..." 

SEE! YOU ALREADY EXPECT YOUR PLAN TO FAIL!!! THERE'S NO MARGIN FOR ERROR IN A BULL AND BABY SCENARIO!! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, WOMAN!

"You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town." 

Awwwww. Way to end it on a happy note. Now baby has NOTHING because mommy made some horrible life choices for her. Shoulda spent all that money on things like baby clothes, food, Cholera vaccines and an education for yourself. They say your baby is the sweetest in town because that's the polite thing to say about a baby as disfigured as you've made your poor little one with all your shenanigans!

For shame, fictitious nursery rhyme mother!!!! FOR SHAME!!!

I assume these thought provoking lyrics can be attributed to sleep deprivation. A mother with her wits about her wouldn't beat around the bush with backdoor threats. Shed come right out and say it.

"I cant breathe."

Perhaps something like:

"Hush, little baby, don't make a peep.
Mama really needs you to go to sleep

And if you dont fall asleep real soon,
Mama's  gonna catapult you to the moon

And if that mean moon sends you back,
Mama's gonna ask you to take a nap

And if all you do is fuss and cry,
Mama's gonna sell you to the Black market guy

And if the Black Market can't find a buyer,
Mama's gonna have to deal with a crier.

And when that crier finally falls asleep,
Exhausted mama will collapse in a heap"

That should suffice.

The first roadtrip

Today is our friend Missy's son Parkers 3rd birthday (although I swore the kid was at least 5 from how well behaved he has been when visiting my place. I subsequently purchased his gifts with that in mind. Oops). 

The Yeasley family (our extended fam) have always invited us to thier events and have attended our events but a lot of the time we have dooshed out at the last minute because something gets in the way like work or sickness.


Now that Jimmye is here I see the importance of making time for these get togethers. Birthday parties are tent poles in a child's memory and a much needed change of the norm for busy parents in need of socialization. Even though JimJam Is only 6 weeks old and will be eating birthday cake vicariously through her mothers breast milk, today gives us the chance to get into the habit of prioritizing and time management. And also get over our fear of leaving the house for more than a few hours.


It took us longer than we imagined to prepare for the ride and by the time we left the party had already started. And of course since we need to hurry, the freeway is bumper to bumper traffic.


Anyways 2 hours later....


Missy's and Parker Live in Beaumont which is somewhere between Riverside and Texas. Despite the traffic I looked forward to the long drive (long for a minimal driver like myself anyways) Before we got to the town we started to see smoke rising on the horizon to the south. The closer we got the more I started to wonder if Missy had decided to have the birthday party directly in the center of a wildfire. It ended up being close but not close enough to cause alarm. 

The Beginning of what would become a 2272 acre wildfire just looks like car trouble at this point.

We arrived Just in time to slip our gifts into the mix. It was quite warm out today and I felt absurd when Parker opened up the gift I got him: a heavy black hoodie.
Jimmye slept for a bit longer then decided it was time to eat. And she did....for most of the time we were there, but Jamie was able to do SOME socializing.


So let's checklist todays accomplishments:

• Get out of the house for more than 2 hours: check
• Mini road trip: check
• Attend Parker's party: check
• Baby content and allowing mommy to enjoy herself: unchecked

I decided to take some pre fathers day liberties and enjoy some "me" time. The weather was warm but the wind made the temperature perfect. I sat under Missy's huge pine with her two blue nosed pitbulls, Blue and Minnie. These animals are solid mass. Blue has muscle on top of his head! What are those muscles even for?! Is he smuggling 2 lbs of cooked chicken breast under there or something?

Blue, Happiest dog you'll ever meet.

 Despite having a look that most people would say is intimidating these are the sweetest dogs you could meet. 

Minnie is smaller than Blue but shes the boss.

Do I think Pitbulls are dangerous? They can be, yes. (like every other animal with sharp canine teeth) 
Do I think every pitbull is dangerous? No. 
Do I think that Pits get a bad wrap? Definitely.


From my shady and safe vantage point I watched with my new pittbull friends as the wind helped the fire spread from 30 acres to 100 acres in under an hour.


I realized that I appriciate these moments much more now than I ever could before. I can clear my head and live in the moment. Which is important considering we live from one moment to the next and at any given time I could be called back to the front lines to throw myself on a grenade...or a dirty diaper or something equally as volitile.

As the day ended and the sun set we stopped by our favorite fast food spot. I grew up in SB county and while there are plenty of things to complain about there is one thing they have that no one else 

does:

                     http://www.bakersdrivethru.com

Baker's is the best in the I.E. Great American and Mexican food at equally great prices. They have a teriyaki chicken sandwich that I would push my brother down a flight of stairs for. They also have interesting meal sizing options that I've yet to see anywhere else: Baby, Mama, Papa and Grampa. And good prices as well. 


Beside great food I appreciate the history of Baker's. In short, Founder Neil Baker was involved in the creation and prosperity of many other well known fast food establishments. Baker helped Richard and Maurice McDonald build their restaurant before the brothers sold McDonalds to Ray Kroc. Baker helped Glen Bell, who was his best friend in high school, build a hamburger stand in 1948 that would evolve into the Taco Bell chain. One of their employees Ed Hackbarth left to establish Deltaco and later a Baker's employee  John Galardi established Der Wienerschnitzel


Recognizing the profit potential of Mexican food, Baker added it to the menu in 1955 and pioneered a "twin-kitchen" concept -- burgers were sold at one window and Mexican food at another. 

 The reason you don't see Baker's anywhere else beside the Inland Empire is because Mr. Baker didnt see the need to expand since the restaurant was widely popular and very successful. before he passed in 2008 when asked why he was content to allow Baker's Drive-Thru to remain only a regional chain  Baker said the claustrophobia that kept him from flying also probably helped keep the franchise locations close to home.

We just wish they would expand to Orange County so their motto "Great food close to home" would apply to us

Maybe one day.

Compulsory instantaneous unconditional conduct modification

My first drawing of my child.
This is Jimmye when she Red Hulks out:

I FORGOT WHY I'M SO UPSET WHICH IS MAKING ME SO UPSET!!!

Life is full of changes and not many people accept them although they really have no choice. Most people put off greatly beneficial changes because it hurts to switch a comfortable routine. I am one of those people. For the last few years I've secretly been wishing for some great unstoppable wave of responsibility to come through and shake my world off its foundation so I have no choice but to change with the tide.

Be careful what you wish for. right?

I've encountered drastic changes in my life. Different Cities, different antagonists and different ceilings to stare up at on sleepless nights.

Negative changes such homelessness and a complete loss friends due to unpopular decisions I've made. (unrelated)

Positive changes such as promotions and opportunities to better myself.

These were all changes that affect who I was as a person. They were either  geographical, financial or emotional (sometimes all three) but at the core of each scenario I was still the same person I was the day before. I just had a new obstacle to overcome. A new adaptation.

But this…

Being a parent, It’s a revolution. A vicious coup de tat of the old lazy oportunistic regime that has run my life and turned my 20’s into a blurry party documented not by my memory but by the thousands of digital images I’ll never have the time to go through. Conspirited by the underlying responsibility and self respect that have been growing and ralying in the shadows of my subconscious. They are now rising up and as sharp as a guillotine they sever the head of the hedonistic beast I have been. Now I have no choice but to become what we all must be if we are to be respectable parents. I am ready for it but I'd be lying if I said the spirit of the old ways are not still alive inside me.
It is through them I am able to fully appreciate the daunting challenge I'm facing.

Parenthood is nothing you can foresee. I expected radical changes but expecting a meteor to strike and actually being there as it happens are two completely different things. I've always whined about needing more discipline in my life and like previously stated for the past decade I've pretty much done whatever I wanted and enjoyed myself thoroughly in doing so. But now, there is a new nagging element introduced every time a worthwhile event appears on the horizon: Responsibility.

So many things to consider in planning. Thinking not only for yourself but for the high maintenance well being of a baby as well. Trips can quickly dwindle from extravagant and relaxing to “please lets just get out of this damn house for at least an hour”

• Hawaii? How much fun would we really have with an Infant in Hawaii?
• New York? The baby will be inconsolable when her little ears won't pop and the air marshal will strap me to a chair after I beat the crap out of the first guy who says something about the crying baby on the plane.
• Vegas Trip? Not anytime soon unless I plan on bathing my baby in hand sanitizer every five minutes.
• Sky diving? I wasn’t planning on doing that before the baby so don’t Im not gonna act like shes holding me back from doing it now.
• Santa Barbara? 5 hours in a car doesn’t sound appealing at all right now. Maybe in a year or so.
• Catalina? Baby could get sea sick or abducted by rouge dolphins
• Concert? Do I WANT a deaf child?
• Dinner and a movie? This kid is a landmine of fuss. Do we really wanna risk it?
• Sleep? Don’t be ridiculous.

I know it gets better....and worse. I look forward to all the new experiences that come with this new way of life. I can feel the change in me. It could be the odd schedule we have now but I've instantly started to lose interest in a lot of the old vices and hobbies. there's just no time. If I had a solid block of free time I wouldn't know what to do with it. Painting takes to long to set up and I would get called into active duty while my paint sat and dried on the palette. plus the nagging sense that the house hasn't been dusted in a long time would nag at me, thus taking any pleasure out of the process. Instead I'd just as soon go for a walk with my beagle or perhaps read, or dare I say, sleep.

So yes, I have changed in some definable yet vague way. When I'm holding my daughter as she sleeps I'm 100% confidant its for the better.

- SCRaM

I am someones father...

Hello,

I am someones father. 

One month ago I was just SCRaM.

Funny how we forget ourselves if the price is right.

At about 3:45am this morning, I find myself involved in an exercise in futility: Trying to sleep through the anguished squalls of my 29 day old baby Jimmye as her mother work diligently to console her after a feeding.

It's intriguing how a baby cries at precisely the pitch that is impossible to sleep through. But it isn't just the wailing that keeps me awake, Its the guilt. Despite having to roll out of bed in a few hours and crawl to work I feel that I should be getting up and helping. Most women would probably agree. Most men might not. After all, I were to sit up with Jamie while she performs her motherly duties there wouldn't be much I could really do considering me not being physically equipped with the right tools for the job...Cant exactly relieve her...but I still have the guilt...and it keeps me awake even after the baby is quietly falling back to sleep. 

During this wakefulness my brain starts to pace through my head. So many questions, ideas and observations arise regarding the way things are and have been in child rearing for centuries. All the methods passed down generation by generation. All the small adjustments and additions to those methods changed by each generation thinking that they can do it better.

My mind cringes when thinking of the flood of information from all directions - from formula peddling Pediatricians to Mothers to Mid-Wifes to Dr. Sears to Grandmothers to Breast feeding Consultants to Erick Erickson to Waitresses at Denny's - one methodology counter-indicating the next. So who do we listen to? Everyone? No one? The Bum that lives behind Ross on El Toro gave us the best definitive advice so far. "keep the kid out of the microwave, Not even for a few seconds". Duly noted, Sir.

The frustration of under-education as a dad can be maddening but so far I've rolled with the punches. Jamie is doing an amazing job so far especially for a first time mother. When she's feeding, shes reading and her endurance is inspirational. She has to be averaging half the sleep I am and yet I'm the one who whines if I don't get a good amount. I work 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with 2 paid 15 minute breaks and an hour lunch in the middle of the day. Being a mother, especially during these formative months, is a 24 hours job 7 days a week.

I've Identified the roles mothers and fathers play and the negative factors that lead to parents being branded as "bad parents" and while I am doing my best not to develop the entitlement issues some fathers have, I can see where they stem from. Being the breadwinner, a man feels that he should be able to come home and relax after working his 9 to 5 to put food on the table and keep the lights on but in that selfish moment the man of the house is not considering all the energy draining tedium that his significant other has endured in his absence.

We come home for lunch to find them watching the Price is Right and the we think "Must be nice" but If we payed closer attention we would see that they aren't there. They dont give a crap about who wins Plinko. The TV is only on so they dont feel alone while they are focused on making sure the child is getting enough food and that the latch is good and that the child is burping regularly and diapers are changed and the rash is under control and baby is warm and comfortable and so on and so forth. All the while In the back of theyre mind all they want is to do is be able to get up and take a shower and maybe get some fresh air. Maybe do some stretches and get a massage to help battle the poor posture they are developing from the constant feedings. 

If us fathers take a minute to see these small queues we would better understand. I try to ask how she is doing often. She always says shes fine and I believe her because although shes going through all this it is nothing in comparison to what she went through in order to release the child from the womb. This is all a labor of love for her. Its all worth it.

As a dad I don't automatically share the strong bond that Mommy and baby have so I have some work to put in if I plan on coming out of this thing in a positive light. I'm A DIY guy and since I never had a father making me in his image I've had the good fortune of making myself all these years. Now I get to really test my strength, knowledge and patience by starting from scratch as a parent and hopefully instill all the great things Ive learned over the years In my daughter. BRING IT ON, BABY! 

Well...this was all meant to be a small post to introduce my new "First Time Dad" blog but I guess I needed to rant a bit. If you read all that I thank you for your time. Please feel free to comment and/or subscribe if you haven't already. In the future I will be posting my observations, quandaries and maybe even a few product reviews If I find some worthy of my time.

Thanks

SCRaM