Nursery Rhymes Ridiculousness Vol.1

 My wife Jamez has been singing to Baby JimJam every night. My memory is pretty atrocious so when I hear her singing the correct words to this little tune years after the last time she had to have heard it I am a little impressed. But today I started to actually HEAR the song:

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird won't sing,
Mama's  gonna buy you a diamond ring

And if that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's  gonna buy you a looking glass

And if that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's  gonna buy you a billy goat

And if that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's  gonna buy you a cart and bull

And if that cart and bull fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town"

Ok, so this is the most ridiculous song for a baby. If I were to put it into perspective for the era this song came to be I still come up with the same conclusion. 

Allow me to break it down for you all:

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word.
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird."

So If I understand this correctly, this mother is attempting to quiet her child down with promises of tangible items...Well, that is already a bad idea, but to rationalize that by capturing a wild song bird known best for the habit of mimicking other creatures is a good idea is absurd considering its most likely to attempt mimicry of the Wailing baby...Now you have TWO loud problems.

"And if that mockingbird won't sing..."

Ok well if the bird wont sing then the previously stated problem solved, right? KEEP THAT BIRD.

"Mama's  gonna buy you a diamond ring"

 But no, this mama wants to shell out the big bucks and buy her baby a ring with a stone that is strong enough and sharp enough to cut through marble, granite, concrete, asphalt, masonry, and gems. (Diamond is ancient Greek for unbreakable BTW) Supermama is going to put this cutting implement on the end a flailing baby arm with a mind of its own. yes...that baby is definitely blind.

"And if that diamond ring turns brass..."

Now I'm not some big city Scientist and I don't profess to know much about chemical elements and compounds and such but I'm pretty sure Diamonds don't turn into Brass.

"Mama's  gonna buy you a looking glass"

It seems mama is running low on dough after that last unnecessary expenditure. How is a Looking glass the equivalent to a diamond ring? What are you trying to teach this kid? "Well your Diamond magically turned into a bastard metal so here's a Mirror that - since this is some time in the 1800's - is 300 hundred pounds and filled with lead and raw silver.

"And if that looking glass gets broke..."

Now you have expensive danger.

So your baby ended up breaking that looking glass that you gave her? Is she alright? do you regret giving an infant an object that when broken turns into HUNDREDS OF KNIVES! yep. So how are you planning to make it up to her this time? 

"Mama's  gonna buy you a billy goat"

I see. Is that so?....Did Child protective services exist in the 1800's? this mother is obviously Mentally disabled.

"And if that billy goat won't pull..."

"Im not a good Babysitter"

What would the goat not pull exactly? Wait,...are you planning on having that goat pull your baby around?!?!? C'mon.. seriously? I KNOW they had strollers in the 19th century. This song seems to be getting more and more dangerous for the child as it goes along? Is Mama getting frustrated or something? Whats next?

"Mama's  gonna buy you a cart and bull"

                      

NO!! ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! YOU WILL NOT BUY YOUR BABY A 2000 POUND ANIMAL WITH GIANT HORNS ON IT'S HEAD!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I'll take care of yo Baby!

"And if that cart and bull fall down..." 

SEE! YOU ALREADY EXPECT YOUR PLAN TO FAIL!!! THERE'S NO MARGIN FOR ERROR IN A BULL AND BABY SCENARIO!! GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME, WOMAN!

"You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town." 

Awwwww. Way to end it on a happy note. Now baby has NOTHING because mommy made some horrible life choices for her. Shoulda spent all that money on things like baby clothes, food, Cholera vaccines and an education for yourself. They say your baby is the sweetest in town because that's the polite thing to say about a baby as disfigured as you've made your poor little one with all your shenanigans!

For shame, fictitious nursery rhyme mother!!!! FOR SHAME!!!

I assume these thought provoking lyrics can be attributed to sleep deprivation. A mother with her wits about her wouldn't beat around the bush with backdoor threats. Shed come right out and say it.

"I cant breathe."

Perhaps something like:

"Hush, little baby, don't make a peep.
Mama really needs you to go to sleep

And if you dont fall asleep real soon,
Mama's  gonna catapult you to the moon

And if that mean moon sends you back,
Mama's gonna ask you to take a nap

And if all you do is fuss and cry,
Mama's gonna sell you to the Black market guy

And if the Black Market can't find a buyer,
Mama's gonna have to deal with a crier.

And when that crier finally falls asleep,
Exhausted mama will collapse in a heap"

That should suffice.